I sat in a shaded spot of the garden, relishing the Australian sun filtering through the trees overhead. With my laptop balanced on my knees, I felt the mix of excitement and apprehension at my fingertips. I had an email to compose to Jade, my domme, as we'd both expressed interest in revising the rules of our BDSM relationship. I'd thought about this a lot, each point I wanted to address swimming in my mind, but it was crucial to get the tone just right—respectful, yet honest; submissive, but not without personal boundaries.
My fingers hovered over the keys, pondering the introduction. I could be outright direct, but there's a gentleness I wanted to convey, the same gentleness that she, in her own domineering way, often showed me. After a moment, I began to type.
"You said you were going to revise your rules, these are kind of the rules as I have them at the moment...," the words flowed out, seeming less rigid on the screen than they had in my mind. A good start, but I needed to go deeper.
I wanted to discuss 'Expectations'. I thought about how Jade and I had evolved from our initial encounters. We'd agreed on so many things upfront, and here we were, six months later, still engaged in this unique relationship. I wanted to honour that journey.
So I wrote, "We talked a bit about what we both wanted when we started out, we were quite clear and in terms of play, I think we've stuck to it well..." I continued, detailing my surprise at how long we've lasted and the joy of her integration into my life—even helping her with her CV. I mentioned my previous domme, using it as a way to express my need for a certain level of affection. Carefully chosen words made it clear that while I loved our dynamic, I missed some emotional closeness.
Next was 'Closeness'. My fingers hesitated for a moment. This was tricky. Our BDSM relationship existed in its own cocoon, isolated from our 'outside' lives. As I typed, I tried to walk that fine line between wanting more emotional engagement without seeming like I was pushing her into a corner.
I told her, "I love being your slave and I love the feeling of being owned by you so much and I think it's important that was can put the roles to one side occasionally to get to know each other on a the same level between play because my desire to serve you has grown as I've got to know you better because it's gone from physical attraction to me wanting to please you because I like you as a person."
I summed the section up: "The fact is that I am attracted to you and I find it hard to detach my emotions as I know I'm not your type. As much as I'd love to cuddle up with you in bed, our relationship works for you as it is so I know it won't happen and I know eventually you'll go and get those things from someone and settle in a 'normal' relationship."
The cursor blinked at me impatiently as I then approached the subject of 'Paying for it', a challenging one. Here, I wanted to address the subtle distance I felt was creeping into our dynamic due to financial aspects. The Christmas gift situation had to be brought up, even though it felt slightly awkward. I tried to be diplomatic and wrote, "I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I totally understand but I have to admit, I was kind of disappointed at Christmas because you mentioned getting me a gift and asked what I wanted even but it never happened."
I'd been happy to buy Jade a gift, but receiving nothing in return, not even a token gift, made me feel a bit used. Along the same lines, I told her, "I like treating you because I think you deserve to be spoilt, but I need to feel close to you, if there's a separation between us it feels like financial domination, and that's not something that excites me. I want to be able to spend my money on you because you are beautiful and deserve it. I like seeing you smile and I want to make you happy."
As I worked my way down the list, addressing 'Openness' and 'Things to try', I kept questioning my tone. Was I maintaining the right balance between respect and directness? I wanted her to know about my efforts to explore the BDSM community, my openness to other relationships, and my growing list of fantasies, yet all while conveying my growing attachment to her.
Finally, as I neared the end, I pondered over the sign-off. 'Yours obediently' seemed too formal, while a simple 'Cheers' might undercut the gravity of what I was trying to convey. After a moment, I opted for "Eagerly awaiting your thoughts and, as always, your commands."
As I hit the send button, a cocktail of feelings washed over me—relief, vulnerability, and an overpowering eagerness to continue this complex dance of dominance and submission with Jade. All those feelings were now digitised, sent through the ether, awaiting her response. The ball was in her court now, and I felt both the thrill and the trepidation of that uncertainty, feeling as exposed as I ever had in her presence.
As soon as I saw my phone light up with a text message from Jade, a rush of emotions overwhelmed me. Her quick response indicated she'd read my heartfelt email, laying bare my insecurities, desires, and the complex terrain of our relationship.
"I read it," her message began. My eyes hungrily scanned her follow-up: "It was hard to read." A knot tightened in my stomach. Had I overstepped?
"Sorry Miss J," I tapped out, regretting my vulnerability instantly.
"Don't be. It all made sense, you're human," she reassured. Her validation untangled the knot in my stomach, just a little. Jade continued, explaining that this dominant-submissive dynamic was still quite new to her. That she hadn't really delved into the intricacies of it before we met.
"You've just thought about it a lot," Jade wrote. "I was totally brand new to all this," she texted, punctuating her confession with a straightforward tone. "It wasn't for you. I wanted to experience this stuff for me. I literally didn't spend much time thinking about it or reading it up before I posted that ad."
Her next message appeared. "Since you've been making me cum, I haven't watched porn." I had fulfilled her sexually, Jade hadn't felt the need to seek additional outlets for her desires. It was a powerful statement, one that brought a mixture of pride and relief, but also highlighted that she didn't have that same desire to explore the BDSM community.
"So, I'm 'detached' in all ways from that world, apart from my friend who is my primary school friend. So our relationship wasn't even founded on this new interest," her text continued. "I'm not constantly evaluating or comparing; this is just an organic experience between you and me, as far as I'm concerned."
Finally, I texted back, "That's OK, I understand that. I'm glad I've at least fulfilled you in some way. It's good you're satisfied and don't need to look elsewhere."
Jade delved into complex feelings, mentioning the financial aspects and her perception that she seemed to be giving off some wrong signals. She text, "What's funny is I have this problem with regular guys, they say I'm thinking about money all the time, so I don't know what I'm doing but clearly giving off some wrong signal."
On the subject of my missing Christmas gift, she confessed, "Your gift I really didn't know what to give you or think that would you even be fussed. I did have intentions but that trailed off."
Jade talked about affection, about how hard it was for her, and how it was something she had faced in past relationships too. She said she was trying, "I personally feel I've come along way if you knew how hard it was for me. I care about you and always consider your safety and comfort as far as physically showing affection I just have to wait for that to come naturally."
My fingers danced across the screen: "It's just the affection thing; if we grow closer, then I'll give you the world."
Jade responded with a frankness that cut through me: "I feel a bit shit." She said we could discuss this another time. My heart sank as I wondered if I'd misjudged the tone of the entire relationship. Had my emotional purge ruined everything?
She added that she was expecting more of a list of sexual requests from my email, not an emotional outpouring. That surprised me. I thought our emotional landscape was just as complex, just as requiring of navigation as our sexual dynamics.
My fears, however, were somewhat assuaged when Jade said she'd consider the things I'd brought up. She mentioned she didn't know when or if she could share her bed with me, but that she was willing to try in other aspects.
"I just overthink stuff maybe, and I've been single for a long time and want closeness somehow from someone," I found myself admitting. To which she replied that she understood.
I put down my phone, her final words floating in my mind. Did I overthink it? Or were we, perhaps, stumbling through a nuanced relationship where both of us were still figuring out our boundaries, emotionally and physically? Either way, Jade's willingness to continue the conversation was a reassurance, albeit a small one, that we were still in this confusing, complicated, but intriguing dance together.
